Practically Plastered
by Kate811
Summary: After a bad day, Mary Poppins turns to her dear friend Karen Walker for a shoulder to drink on.


**Author's Note: This was written as a joke for Darling Pretty, who was trying to figure out a way to realistically get Mary Poppins drunk. I offhandedly said Karen Walker could do it, and lo and behold: this story was born. It was posted on Tumblr but in case you're not on there, here you go! Please don't take it seriously. Or go ahead and take it seriously, I'm not here to run your life.**

**Practically Plastered**

**By Kate811**

* * *

"Karen, I do not think this is a good idea." Mary sighs.

"Put a sock in it, Mary. You had a bad day. I've got just the cure." Karen Walker whips open a bottle of vodka and pours it to the cups, filling it way over the recommended level.

Mary's eyes widen. "That is WAY too much vodka! I could never—"

Karen closes her eyes and raises a finger, silencing Mary. She pulls out a bottle of cranberry juice, adding a splash to Mary's. None for her though.

"There. That oughta do it. Now drink up. There's starving children in Africa, you know."

Mary gives Karen a deadpan look and wonders if explaining to Karen that her logic is…well, illogical, would even matter at this point.

The woman has a point though. Mary did have a bad day. Her new charges are utter monsters. And the parents are ungrateful snobs. And tomorrow is her day off, so…

"Well alright, if you insist." She takes a small sip and winces as the liquor burns her throat and fills her body with instant warmth.

Karen rolls her eyes. "No, no, no! Bigger sips, honey. This isn't tea with the Queen. Hell, the Queen would've finished that vodka by now. She's my kind of woman."

"Karen, really? The Queen?" Mary asks in disbelief.

"Well of course, honey, what else do you think we do at those United Nation meetings?" Karen scoffs.

Mary knows she should probably find out how and when Karen got herself involved in the United Nations, but something tells her she really does not want to know. So instead she begins taking bigger sips of her drink, until the whole thing is almost empty. Things begin to get a little blurry and the stress from her day begins to melt away.

"Karen, I believe you have gotten me drunk."

"I didn't hold a gun to your head and force you to drink it! I'm not allowed to do that anymore. Rosario had my license to carry suspended."

At this, Mary begins to giggle. Oh, how she wishes Bert was there to see this. Mary Poppins is drunk with Karen Walker, of all people.

As if Karen could read her mind (and who knows, she probably can with all the chemicals she has floating around in her bloodstream. Hey, science hasn't figured out everything yet) she suddenly asks, "So, are you and that chimneysweep knocking boots yet?"

"KAREN!" Mary admonishes, spitting out her drink in the process.

"What?" Karen asks, her eyes going innocent.

"That is…that's….preposterous!"

"Look, honey, everyone knows you've wanted to boink old whats-his-name for about a century now. It's time to get it over with."

"Of all the ridiculous things I have ever heard come out of your mouth, this has got to be the most ludicrous! Bert is just a friend!"

"A friend who wants to sweep your chimney IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!" Karen laughs at her own joke and takes a sip of her vodka, effectively forgetting the two women were even having a conversation.

Mary's eyes widen, "What do you mean Bert wants to…to…"

"Have a jolly holiday in your pants?" Karen finishes for her.

"For lack of a better phrase, yes."

"Oh, honey, isn't it obvious? The man's been crazy for you for as long as I can remember."

"Karen, you are insane."

"My legal team told me I'm not allowed to use that as a defense anymore." Karen sighs, annoyed at the justice system of the USA.

"You really think he feels that way about me…too?" Mary asks, not caring that she just admitted her feelings aloud.

Karen nods.

"Oh dear." Mary sighs, the alcohol and the revelation becoming too much for her.

"Look honey," she says as she pours Mary another drink, "I just want what's best for you. And I think that means you need to get laid. So finish your drink and go fly off to Ben's house and don't come out until you're all supercala-whatever."

"Bert." Mary corrects.

"Oh honey, I don't care."

The women sit in silence as Mary finishes her second drink.

"Well, I better be off!" Mary says suddenly, slamming her glass down on the table.

"Off to where?" Karen asks.

"To, as you so delicately put it: 'boink Bert.'"

Karen's eyes widen in surprise. "Honey, what's going on? What's happening here?"

"I would like to thank you, Karen. You have given me the courage…or rather, the liquid courage I needed to go tell Bert how I feel. I will be in touch when the wind changes." Mary gives Karen a hug and a kiss on the cheek, picks up her umbrella and carpetbag, opens the door, and flies off into the sky.

Karen blinks. "Am I high?"

**The End!**


End file.
